I Want To Matter (The Anthropology of Living)

In the woods, just off the C&O Canal,

a derelict house stands like an old tree about to fall.

My friends enter and climb the steep and dark staircase;

I stay outside (too many fears in there).

Signs of an old life are found in a strip of wallpaper.

Pink roses on yellow with a white lattice,

once brilliant on a sturdy wall, sun shining on it

through the window pane - a lovely room for someone.

The wallpaper is brought down the stairs to me

and I look at it in the stark winter forest light.

For these brief moments, the mystery

of the inhabitants' lives mean something to us.

We form their ghosts in our minds, and I lay the wallpaper

back in the house with a nod of respect.

What remnants will remain of me?

Who will I matter to when my wallpaper peels off the walls?

I Want To Matter

In 200 years when none of this matters, I want it to matter

My young life in full swing, no kids and a rock band

I can hear a Divine voice in my creativity; I know it is good.

Am I wrong for not wanting these days to ever end?

I want everything I experience to count for something.

Like the ache in my heart when I watch

the birds at the kitchen window feeder.

Little robot heads looking side to side,

their daily business an important matter.

Or crying over finding my dog

after her second time ever running away, spooked by a firework

The comfort of my life broken for those twenty minutes of hunting for her,

such unadulterated relief in my tears when she returns,

which she licks excitedly from my face.

Like listening to an old friend from Austin

sing on a CD in West Virginia, the miles and time between us

spilling out onto the table in front of the stereo.

Everything I do is important, even the simplest of things.

This year, I will pay close attention to the messages and lessons in every experience, good or bad, big or small.

What are you thinking about differently in the New Year?

In the Blink...

...of an eye:

Your friends have children that walk and talk. They point to something in a book and speak the words to you describing what is on the page. How did they grow so fast already? They have a full head of hair and teeth! And now a baby sibling. Sigh.

You're looking at your husband's clothes hanging in the closet - slightly wrinkled dress shirts hanging in a row. Your marriage is over two years old already. How you thought about these beginning days of adulthood and marriage when you were small! Now they've arrived, and with you barely noticing. You fold socks and underwear on the bed, and put them neatly in a drawer, eyeball the little tufts of dog hair gathering in every corner of the house. You'll get to that later. Your husband pecks you on the mouth as he leaves to play tennis with his Dad down the road. You walk the dog, brush her, and do some laundry. This adult life falls into place in the blink of an eye, and then...you're living it.

A Professional Dabbler: Deconstructed

In the middle of a busy week, I sit and ponder one of life's big questions. Well, at least one of MY life's big questions: am I spending my time doing what I really want to be doing? And what do I really want to do?

Do I want to be a professional musician?

• I have a gig tomorrow night with my sister as The Hello Strangers in Gettysburg. Luckily people like the way we sound since we have no posters, sound equipment, or any recordings beyond a 6-song demo to speak of. We have other gigs coming up that have been falling into our laps without any effort (which is good). But at what point are we going to take the next step? Or are we going to stay in this liminal pseudo phase forever?

Do I want to be a writer?

• I will be teaching at a Young Writers Camp in two weeks, which I have to plan for and convince these young middle school souls that I have some sort of legitimacy under my belt. I have thus put my writing for Hagerstown Magazine on hold for the time being. But yet I dabble...dabble, dabble in writing like everything else it seems.

Do I want to help run the photography business my husband and I own?

• I'm not the photographer - that's Ryan. But I do help out in many other areas such as accounting, production, creative input, etc. Yet, most of the time I am rushing through tasks at my desk before I run off to...

My part-time job at a screen printing and embroidery shop downtown, where I continue to show off my dabbling skills, doing anything from packing and hauling boxes, to ordering t-shirts and promotional products, to designing art on Adobe Illustrator.

Some days I just don't feel like a true musician, writer, business owner - a true anything.

Some days I feel like a fraud, really. We all have these days, don't we? Don't worry, I'm not falling into a pit of self-loathing and despair. Some days are just primed for such reflections.

I know there is a reason why I'm a professional freelancer and dabbler. I enjoy not having to do the same thing every day. But as a true perfectionist, I certainly reach moments when I feel like I have to do everything 100% with a 50% timeframe, energy, and focus level. At what point am I dabbling in too much?

Ah, life's big questions...

One thing I DO love doing: dancing with my girlfriends at Lithuanian Hall in Baltimore to old school soul and reggae!





It's summer, man, I gotta chill!

Confessions of an Overachiever

I have officially stretched myself to the max. After all my musings about time management, saying "no" to certain obligations, and balance, I have gone against all my suggestions and am thus at my tipping point.

How did I lose the balance in my life and time that I was so close to attaining? When I said "yes" to not 1, but 4 new voice students at our local private school. I feel I am a talented musician, but am not prepared to share my knowledge with four students. I currently have 3 different sources of income. Taking on 4 students seemed the best way to make extra money. But because I am essentially teaching myself how to teach others, I realized (last night in a moment of terror at the realization of what I have gotten myself into) that this would be a much larger endeavor than the amount of money I will be paid for it.

How do I know I am stretched? Because I have noticed a significant change in the way I complete other tasks and projects (such as writing in this blog). I am not able to put as much effort into just one thing because I have so many other projects going on at the same time. I freelance write, volunteer for our local arts council, help my husband run his business, work for a screen printing and embroidery shop downtown, and now have taken 4 voice students.

I fill my time with all these things for two main reasons:
1) Money - we are working hard at making our photography business succeed and I am trying to take every measure to help supplement our income.
2) Fear (here's the clincher) - fear of not being important because of having too much time on my hands or not accomplishing enough.

I thought I was making headway in the way of #2, but I realized last night that, almost without knowing it, I surpassed the boundary of what is "enough" for me and my time. I am confessing this to you this morning because I have to face my mistake today and make the necessary arrangements to bring my list of students down to 1. This is the amount I know I can handle with grace and focus. This is the balance mark.

I will learn from my mistakes and move on to a more balanced life.

We all have our tipping points and our balance marks. Have you had a similar experience to this one?

Update on Time and Priorities

Hello dear friends,

I have been feeling quite successful at focusing on my Life Priorities that I mentioned in a previous post. I have been focusing more on my music and creativity, which has been very rewarding. My sister and I have been working on our musical repertoire with a great guitarist friend, and I am in the process of taking a few voice students. Making time for creativity fills me with energy and fosters a sense of purpose in my life. I have also been busy with the Arts Council, as well as writing for Hagerstown Magazine. All of these creative endeavors give me joy and a sense of accomplishment. For example, all day Monday I visited with several artists in the area for a Hagerstown Magazine article. Ryan and I were assigned to the same article, so he took the photos while I interviewed the artists, all of various mediums and ages. We made some wonderful connections, and on top of that were able to share the experience together.

Of course, making room for certain priorities inevitably involves putting others on the back burner, and I am trying hard not to dwell on those or feel guilty. I have had less time to focus on my blog, but I am still committed to the Good Life Project and all my loyal readers, whomever and wherever you are.


Do give me a shout out, if you so desire, and let me know what you have been ruminating or prioritizing on!

Top 5 Good Life Priorities

In my post "Time on my Side, Part 2," my great friend Laura left a fantastic comment listing her priorities in life. Her time is spent mostly on these priorities and everything else falls into the "I'll do it if I can" category. I think this is a great way to think about time allocation. She suggested I make a list of my top 5 priorities and focus on them above all else. So here goes:

Larissa's Top 5 Good Life Priorities:
(In no particular order)

1. Personal Connections (with humans and animals)
   
2. Music, Art, and Creativity
   
3. Good health through wholesome food and exercise
   
4. Learning and Discovery
   
5. An uncrowded schedule and living space that encourage peace of mind

These are, of course, subject to change with my ideals and moods. But I think they create a good groundwork for my goal to reevaluate my relationship with time. This project has been ongoing and I continue to make advances; I think my list will be another great step in the process.

I encourage you to make your own list (even if it's just in your head), and as things come along in your schedule, evaluate whether or not that activity falls into your top 5 priorities.

Let me know how it goes!

Time On My Side, Part 2

When I made my resolution about reevaluating my relationship with time, and lowering my standards of how much I get done with my time, I was on vacation and had less on my to-do list. Now that I am several weeks into January, and have much more on my list, I have found this goal to be much more of a challenge than I had foreseen.

I think the big issue at hand is that I still “assign” myself too much. I am fighting my perfectionist urges (remember, I am a Virgo and first-born child) and trying to keep up with what “needs” to get done all at the same time. It’s a vicious cycle. And I often end up approaching certain tasks joylessly such as, “Oh god, I still need to send a baby gift to so-and-so, and I never seem to have time to sit down and knit that baby washcloth that I am making to give a meaningful gift and save money.” Do you ever have these thoughts? I mean, I seriously stress about this petty stuff!

I think this morning I am heading into my day with the urge to “pare down” my list to what I really feel will truly add value to my life and take me further toward my macro-goals.

I wish to let go of all the micro-management tasks that seem to pile up and send me into a frenzy of “I have so much to do,” which is not a pleasant feeling and often entirely untrue. My husband will often catch me walking through the house with furrowed brow, sighing while deep in thought about all the things I “have” to do. My stress often gets passed on to him, and that is not something I am proud of.

But can I just take things off my list without feeling guilty about not doing them? I know I have control over my thoughts and how I perceive things. But it’s often very difficult to harness those runaway, reeling thought patterns and focus on what is important – to focus on what I have accomplished, not what is left on my list.

Resolutions take time, so I will keep you posted on how I take on this challenge for the sake of bettering the quality of my life – and those around me.

Do you have any thoughts to share about how you perceive time? How do you pare down your list?

A New Year, A New Start

Dearest friends and family,
I am finally ready to sit back down to my blog after weeks of holiday fun. I have great feelings about 2008, and I am excited to share my thoughts and ideas with you over the coming year. I have truly appreciated your readership and comments during the past 8 months, and hope to continue hearing from you this year.

I will start my blog entries for 2008 in a simple manner. Without question, this time of year is defined by the resolutions we make, maintain, and discard. I have been reading many blogs lately offering advice about resolutions. Some of us don't make them, some of us do; it is a very subjective and personal decision, and no matter how big of a deal our society and media make them, resolutions can be the simplest of wishes. I won't offer advice about making or keeping them, I will simply share mine for this year. I have learned that focusing on one macro-goal, in lieu of a plethora of micro-goals, is the easiest way to keep the resolution alive over the months. So here it is:

To set lower expectations for what I do with my time, and be OK with what I choose to do with it. What I do and accomplish is enough.

I have been enjoying this fresh perspective as I settle into the new year. Focusing on this larger goal allows the little things to fall into place more naturally. This particular one works well for me because I am a bit of a perfectionist and often feel that I should be doing something else with my time. Enough, I say! And that is what it will be...enough. I will ask myself what I really want to do, not what I think I should do, or what would be the best or coolest thing. I will not apologize for what I choose to do with my time; what I choose to do is the right thing for me.

Do you have any goals for 2008 to share?

Happy New Year!

Another Poem to Enjoy

It's funny, I read through my poetry and often feel like I am such a different person now. Then I look at the date and it just doesn't seem that long ago. Time is impalpable.

Here is another poem, untouched since the day I wrote it.

I live on a river beach
just for one day
the wild Salmon river has turned
into my bedroom fan
just for one night
and smooth round worry stones
formed by the dancings of
such a river
they are my linoleum for today.

What of the rest of the world
when I can watch the sun light
this treasure chest beach,
hear canyon wrens laughing
way up the walls,
see a proud osprey on his loft
after a fresh catch dive
and the stars of Idaho spinning
just for one night.


Salmon River, Riggins, ID
May 12, 2002

©Larissa Chace Smith

I hope you're having a wonderfully creative day. Do share your creative endeavors with all of us!

Uncovering former talents can embolden current ones

When I was in my early twenties, I loved to write poetry. While I still love to write, poetry has been a medium I have pushed to the back burner over the years. Since I always seem to have a plethora of projects going on at once (i.e. knitting, blogging, songwriting, reading, fitness, qigong, etc.), I do not worry about becoming lazy or passive about my creative urges, or about letting one or two fall by the wayside.

Yet, it is important to revisit these talents that we once nurtured, whether it is from 5, 20, or 50 years ago. Everything we do leads us toward something else. We may retire old talents or hobbies, but they will always stay with us and continue to influence our current projects and interests. When I read the poem I have featured below, I remember the young woman I was then. At the same time, the person I am today is reflected in these words as though I am looking at an old photograph of myself. Ironically, Fats Waller is an old-time jazz musician that I have listened to with my father since I was a child. So the influences in this piece (and all our creative endeavors) are innumerable and timeless.

I have not modified this poem or its structure in any way. This is exactly as I had typed it 5 years ago:

WALKING WITH FATS

Fats Waller has been my
soundtrack since the days got balmy.
I feel he would sing
about the cottonwood spores floating
as he walks down the lane with me;
about the wheat fields growing
and churning as we drive past
farms of joy.
He’d say “You’ve got it good here,
Sister, ain’t no other place like it.”
As the sound of his twinkling piano
tickles me something, I shed
my skin for another summer.


Summer on the Palouse Prairie, Idaho
6/5/02
©Larissa Chace Smith

Tell me, what are your hidden or forgotten talents, interests, and loves?

Time On My Side

My dog, Sadie, walks up to the screen door and looks back at me. “Will you let me out, please?” her eyes ask. I open the door and she walks out with clear intent: to flop down in the big patch of late-afternoon sun pooling on our balcony floor. She does so with no other purpose in mind but to lie down in it and soak it up, save for the occasional fly buzzing by that catches her attention. I watch as her ribs start to expand and contract at a slightly faster clip. Eventually, she sits up and is in full pant, but still seems to be drinking up the sun like a pint of Guinness, eyes fluttering in canine ecstasy. Time progresses for her in a different way than it does for me. She is an inspiration, not just because of the simplicity of her nature, but because she only does one thing at a time. And because she does not have to go to work, “accomplish” things on her to-do list, or think ahead to what she is going to eat for dinner, time is never of-the-essence for her.

My relationship with time, on the other hand, is much akin to the relationship I once had with my 6th Grade Reading teacher, a nun and former catholic schoolteacher who always seemed to take everything a little too seriously. This was public school after all, not purgatory. I always had one eye on her, thinking that at any moment she would sneak up behind me and catch me doing something I wasn’t supposed to (like slipping my shoes on and off distractedly under my desk, god forbid!). I was rather petrified of her, actually, and would get so nervous some mornings before catching the bus to school that I would get sick to my stomach and ask to stay home. Yet, for some reason, I always wanted to get on her good side, get to know her a little better, and try to understand why she was so…well, mean! The fear of her, after all, came from the complete lack of control I felt I had when I was in her classroom. Even asking to go to the bathroom felt like original sin. Funny how being nervous all the time does little to bolster one’s reading skills. I don’t remember a single book I read that year. But I made it through, relatively unscathed, with one lesson to hold on to: there are some things in life you cannot control, you just handle them as best you can, try not to vomit, and move on. Time is something I will never be able to control either. But time and I need some relationship counseling. I want to have time on my side again.

In high school, I used to sway my hips back and forth and sing, “Tiiiiiiiime is on my side, yes it is!” a line from the Rolling Stones song. Time felt friendly and constant back then, so it seems from my current perspective. More and more, when I take a moment to check the clock I experience a second of utter shock and horror (flash back to reading class), wondering what happened to the last hour of my life and thinking how much I still want to do. Admittedly, I put a lot on my plate each day and expect to get most of it done. I never do, and never will, and I have yet to accept this. I still haven’t learned my lesson.

There is hope, however, in that we DO have agency over our relationship with time. Meditation is one of the ways in which I can purposefully slow my breath, my mind, and thus, my perception of time. Because time is relative and elusive, what matters is our perception of it and the steps we take each day to foster a loving, not fearful, relationship with time. I continue to work hard at this because I feel it is essential to living a good, happy life. Like my panting dog on the balcony, I will strive to go through each day with clear intent and focus, and just try to allow life to happen as it is meant to, not how I plan for it to be.